Austin Powers in Goldmember

Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

Sam – (Weird, a fake review went up for this in my slot. ???) This was my second and last time seeing this movie.

Tim – So, here’s the question: Would the world have been better off with a FOURTH Austin Powers instead of the Love Guru? The quality and humor of the POWERS films, of course, degrades as the films go on, but the Love Guru is universally reviled. Either way, I’d end up seeing it on TBS… so hat kind of punishment do I deserve? Could it have gotten worse than a skin flake eating Dutch guy? Were there any European accents left for Myers to do? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

“So you made beer when you were 20 and waited until you were 21 to open it?”

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Published in: on July 31, 2009 at 2:33 pm  Comments Off on Austin Powers in Goldmember  
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Austin Powers: The Spy that Shagged Me

Austin Powers: The Spy That Shagged Me (1999)

Austin Powers: The Spy That Shagged Me (1999)

Sam – A movie made entirely of just quotes?  Don’t mind if we do!  And what’s better than that?  Having the quotes based off of OTHER quotes from the movie’s predecessor.  I’m not going to lie, I liked these movies when they came out and can sit through them no problem.  But I’m not going to go looking for a copy of it to throw in the ol’ Blue Ray player when I could be watching something else.  I mean, there’s a whole Doctor Who special that we haven’t completed yet.  Dr. Evil Who?  Hmmmm…

Tim – I hated these movies in college, because every time I was drinking in someone’s sweaty basement, some goon would inevitably quote Austin or Dr. Evil. Or worse, Fat Bastard. We’re all in COLLEGE. And not one person in this musty, sticky floored booze hall is quoting Shakespeare, Nietzsche or Ayn Rand when they get fucked up. Way to go US Educational System!

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

“Grumpy Smurf, you have every right to hate Gargamel.”

Published in: on July 30, 2009 at 1:23 pm  Comments Off on Austin Powers: The Spy that Shagged Me  
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Boat Trip

Boat Trip (2002)

Boat Trip (2002)

Sam – We realized that Boat Trip is a fine example of what a Troma movie would be like if they had a budget.  Let’s all thank the lord that they never will.  Boat Trip now holds the crown as Worst Movie at IRBW.com beating out Jungle 2 Jungle.  Congrats!  Here’s a picture of Horatio Sans now…

Senor Sans

Senor Sans

Tim – Wow. I… wow. I used to feel sympathy for Cuba Gooding Jr. and his unfortunate career trajectory, but y’know what? Fuck you, Cuba. I’m glad we embargoed you.

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

“No, we must finish it!”

The Pallbearer

Pallbearer (1996)

Pallbearer (1996)

Sam – The biography from 1996 that showcases the life and death of one of the WWE’s creepiest managers, the Pallbearer (Percy Pringle) played by David Schwimmer.  David does an amazing performance as the Pallbearer and is one of the very few actors that have made me cry during a movie.  His final line on his deathbed after being bodyslammed by The Ultimate Warrior (played by Michael Rapaport) and being cradled in the arms of his clientele, The Undertaker (played by Gwenth Paltrow) brought me to tears instantly. “Bring me… a… sandwich...”  The kicker? I was eating a sandwich at the time!  A soggy sandwich after that line though.  I give The Pallbearer two bodyslams.

Tim – THE PALLBEARER is the EuroSleaze sickie that has it all: Drooling insanity, relentless nudity, the living dead, voluptuous nuns, one very unfortunate chicken and more. In his first and only movie role opposite Gwyneth Paltrow, David Schwimmer stars as a tasty teen who becomes possessed by the kinky spirit of his dead friend and triggers a family frenzy of sexual corruption. Deep within the dungeon of the depraved, who will surrender to the ultimate acts of perversion? Beware the promise of profane seduction. Behold the unspeakable hungers of THE PALLBEARER!!

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

“Fucker doesn’t even drink.”

Published in: on July 28, 2009 at 5:04 pm  Comments Off on The Pallbearer  
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Sister Act

Sister Act (1992)

Sister Act (1992)

Sam – Back from San Diego Comic Con and we’re welcomed back by one of Hollywood’s finest examples of cinematography.  If you’re unfamiliar, Sister Act is based on a true story from 1964, at St. Nicholas in the Bronx. A charismatic priest, Father Song, is trying to upend the schools’ strict customs, which have long been fiercely guarded by Sister Aloysius Boovie (Whoopi), the sassy iron-gloved Principal who believes in the power of fear, song and discipline. The winds of political change are sweeping through the community, and indeed, the school has just accepted its first white student, Joshua Emmons. But when Sister Deanna-Marie, a hopeful innocent, shares with Sister Aloysius Boovie her guilt-inducing suspicion that Father Song is paying too much personal attention to Joshua, Sister Aloysius Boovie sets off on a personal crusade to unearth the truth and to expunge Father Song from the school. Now, without a shard of proof besides her moral certainty, Sister Aloysius Boovie locks into a battle of the bands with Father Song which threatens to tear apart the community with irrevocable consequence and hilarity.

Tim –  Really? That’s what it was about? To me it felt more like this tale: After being brutally raped, a young woman attempts to commit suicide. A priest talks her out of it and she decides to become a nun. Once inside the convent, she is again a victim of sexual abuse. with musical numbers. Hilarity ensues.

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

“No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad Sam. To be the the sad Sam, behind blue eyes.”

Shanghai Knights

Shanghai Knights (2003)

Shanghai Knights (2003)

One Word Reviews:

Sam -IRB@SDCC

Tim – Ass-soup

Josh – PB&J

Published in: on July 24, 2009 at 10:15 am  Comments Off on Shanghai Knights  
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Zathura

Zathura (2005)

Zathura (2005)

One Word Reviews:

Sam – Huh?!

Tim – Psuedo-sequelness

Josh – Pictionary

Published in: on July 23, 2009 at 10:12 am  Comments (1)  
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Small Soldiers

Small Soldiers (1998)

Small Soldiers (1998)

One Word Reviews:

Sam -Nightmare

Tim – Awesomeness

Josh – Friends

Published in: on July 22, 2009 at 10:07 am  Comments Off on Small Soldiers  
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Cheaper By the Dozen

Cheaper By the Dozen (2003)

Cheaper By the Dozen (2003)

One word reviews:

Sam -Viagra

Tim – Lameness

Josh – Overpopulation

Published in: on July 21, 2009 at 10:02 am  Comments Off on Cheaper By the Dozen  
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Jurty Duty (Repeat)

Its true, we're big with the gingers.

Its true, we're big with the gingers.

Thanks a bunch, Sean.

Published in: on July 20, 2009 at 5:39 pm  Comments Off on Jurty Duty (Repeat)