Sister Act (repeat with new reviewers!)

Sister Act (1992)

Sister Act (1992)

Kevin Sciretta (Special Guest Reviewer!) –  Right, so, Sister Act. I’ve never seen it. Not all the way through. I’ve caught bits and pieces of it on the Basic Cable, and here’s what I’m to understand occurs. Whoopi Goldberg is a singer for the mob. Harvey Keitel kills a guy, Whoopi sees it, so the FBI hides her in a convent run by Maggie Smith, who is very, very, British. Pretty standard procedure when dealing with a witness in a federal murder case. Right there in the FBI Handbook.

The nuns hide Whoopi with their Catholic voodoo spells, but the voodoo stops working when Whoopi jazzes up their choir with her patented brand of sassy wisdom, which will now forever be known as “sassdom”. They get good at singing, and Maggie Smith tries to stop this because anything that makes people enjoy themselves is antithetical to what it means to be a Roman Catholic. The Pope shows up with mobsters, they kidnap Whoopi and take her back to Reno and the nuns save Whoopi from being killed. Not the FBI, mind you, but nuns. Makes sense if you went to Catholic school. Those broads are tough. Anyway, they go on to sing for the Pope, who is so pleased with the performance he names Whoopi head coach of the New York Knicks.

Pretty sure that’s what happens.

If there’s anything to be learned from seeing 15 minutes of this film at random intervals, it’s that the Roman Catholic Church has the worst music of all the major religions. They had one hit with “Amazing Grace”, and everyone knows Baptists sing it better anyway.

When baptised by the Church (That’s right. Capital C Church.), Catholics are not only absolved of Original Sin, but also of the diabolical bane known as Sense of Rhythm. This leads to the production of slow, plodding hymns with the melodic subtlety of very deliberate hammer beating, which nicely compliments the 45-minute homily Father O’Brien just delivered on why you’ll be raped by demons for not bringing enough Dinty Moore to the fucking canned goods drive. This is why Catholics are so angry after Mass. They just sat through a two-hour service, half of which is spent kneeling, being told they’re going to Hell while listening to hymns that sound like dirt being slowly shoveled onto the lid of a coffin.

I’m just saying, there’s a reason no one’s ever been called “The Catholic Sam Cooke.”

If the modern Church had any sense, it would hire someone like Whoopi to go from parish to parish and install some actual god-damn entertainment. Put some butts in seats. Sing some songs people enjoy. Get the Wave going. Install a popcorn machine. Shake it up a little. Sister Act that sumabitch.

I hope this was helpful.

Dan Radke (Special Guest Reviewer!) –  I hadn’t seen Sister Act since it came out, and I’ve proudly stated that fact on more than one occasion. But then Sam asked me to review it.

My first thought was- there’s no way I’m watching it.

I know! I’ll review what I remember about it. It’ll be great.

Then I saw Liz had done just that for Son-In-Law a couple days ago.

Then I thought, hey, I’ll make up some zany plot and pretend its Sister Act! Pure gold!

Then I saw Brian Crowley pulled the same shit with the same Pauly Shore abortion (Actually Son-In-Law rocks).

So what did that mean for me? I’ve got to actually watch Sister Act?

Well, fuck that. I’m not watching that bullshit.

And I know it’s really easy to make fun of Whoopi Goldberg. I’ve done it. It’s really easy. But have you seen this movie?

I’m not watching this. Do you hear me, Sam? Can you fucking hear me?

I think it’s all pretty obvious. If you’re over 40 and you love our lord and savior and tip-toeing a few inches into the lands of indecency, you’ll love this movie. It’ll be a good, wholesome hoot.

If you have an unhealthy obsession with those formulaic, cheap comedies from the late 80’s and early 90’s, you will love this movie.

But hear this. Those are the ONLY two instances in which you will like this film.

And if you do fall into either of these categories, I will pray for you.

I will pray for your soul.

I’m not fucking watching this movie.

Things said during movie (not-review):

“Holy crap, what happened here? Did you guys move while drunk?!”

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Published in: on September 17, 2009 at 5:06 pm  Comments Off on Sister Act (repeat with new reviewers!)  
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