BeYaz!

I know that IRBW has a purpose and I shouldn’t abuse my power as a contributor, but it MUST be brought to everyone’s attention that Yaz is at it again. They’re trying to pull the wool over our eyes with their new product BeYaz!

This has got to stop! For all that is holy, please ladies; DO NOT TAKE YAZ OR BEYAZ!! You will die. Guarenteed.

Or maybe do. I dunno…sounds like it might be good.

Published in: on March 5, 2011 at 11:01 pm  Comments Off on BeYaz!  
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Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid

Anaconda 2: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid 2004

Anaconda 2: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid 2004

Sam – Look at that!  TBS doing continuity with a sequel follow-up to the movie they played the day before!  Well this doesn’t happen often, but I think this movie did a much better job at getting the point across and ranks higher in my book than the original that depended on it’s star power (that snake went on to play Randy on My Name Is Earl) rather than actual story.  I’ll let Tim tell you why it was way better, but just know that I do give it negative points for (SPOILER!) not killing all or all but one, of the cast off by the end.

Tim – An unusual sequel that is superior to he first. AND they spend some time explaining WHY the snakes are so big. It’s dumb as fuck, but at least you know why.

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “They stole that line from ‘Brain Candy’!;  ‘This is bigger than penicluin for christ’s sake!’

Published in: on June 2, 2009 at 2:43 pm  Comments Off on Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid  
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Anaconda

Anaconda 1997

Anaconda 1997

Sam – I saw this movie in pieces as it is standard with most TBS movies.  The bulk of my viewing was not this 9am time slot, but rather on a trip to Tornoto with OneTwoThree for a sketchfest.  All tuckered out, the group was a sleep and me and my friend Chris were the only ones up watching this bad boy.  That back story is completely not relevant.  Except that there was a gigantic snake that ate my friend Chris!!  You didn’t see that coming, did you?!  Well neither did Chris.  *sniff*

This movie has John Voight as a creepy villan and Ice Cube as a guy who doesn’t want to get eaten by a snake.  Or by John Voight.  I should take this opportunity to say that if I had a hip-hop album which featured my hit single “Swing Back”, that I’d ask Ice Cube to do a bit of one of the songs right before the chorus and that song would be called “Watch for Ice on Bridge”.  Liz didn’t think that was very funny either.  The movie?  It’s one of the better snake movies.  What are the other snake movies you ask?  I’m sure Tim’ll mention a couple…

Tim – I’ve spent a fair amount of time telling readers the kind of movie that I am NOT the target audience. Now we come to the sort of film I AM the target audience for. Giant Snakes. I will rent or attend any film with a giant snake. I rented Python vs. Boa. So yeah, this movie? Sweet.

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “my this movie don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.”

Published in: on June 1, 2009 at 11:21 am  Comments Off on Anaconda  
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Murder at 1600

Murder at 1600 (1997)

Murder at 1600 (1997)

Sam – Well played having the murder happen not only at the address 1600, but they also made sure to show that it happened at precisely 4pm Eastern time.  Kudos to the writter and director for pulling these two things in together so perfectly.  I have a really hard time caring about cop-suspense movies though I’m a pretty big fan of the suspense genre as a whole.  I just got burned pretty bad back in the late 80’s and early 90’s.  Turns out the cops win in those.  Not too much suspense in that.

Tim – I was having a hard time figuring out the politics of this film. On one hand, the Snipes character built miniature war scenes for fun (republican film), Dennis Miller had a small roll(republican film), and the murder suspect president is a pacifist secular humanitarian (republican film). BUT, then the bad guys turned out to be warmongering, military industrial complex types who framed the prez (liberal film.) BUT, there’s an assassin named John Kerry (republican film.) So, I’m getting more mixed politics here than if I had been flipping back and forth between Bill O’Reilly and Keith Oberman. Oh..wait…what’s that you say?  Not all films have political agendas and some are meant to merely slightly entertain as you wipe your bleary eyes and eat Honeycomb on the couch at 9 in the morning? I see. Well, carry on.

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Dammit!  Sean DID find the cookies even though we hid them!”

Published in: on May 20, 2009 at 3:36 pm  Comments Off on Murder at 1600  
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Stuck on You

Stuck On You 2003

Stuck On You 2003

Sam – I honestly can’t believe that they were able to take one joke and stretch it for an entire movie.  I’m guessing that if this premise wasn’t done for a wide release and it was mildly offensive, that the movie might have actually been good.  There’s a Mr. Show sketch about conjoined twins that’s much funnier than anything in this entire movie.  One good thing that came out of this though is that Tim made me look up Matt Damon’s impression of Matthew McConaughey.  Whew!

Tim – The Farelly’s have had it pretty tough in that their Something About Mary pretty much blew the doors off any comedy film at the time, and put them into a position of having  to deal with very high expectations. Stuck On You fits into a strange place as not really working well as a comedy (at all), but being a decent enough, sincere little character piece with some damn fine actors. On the other hand, Cher is in it, and whenever I see her, I think of her solo music career and warbling voice, despite the fact that she has often done some decent films. This is too much conflict this early in the morning.

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Dude, ‘Dance of the Dead’ had zombies that burst out of their graves and hit the ground running!  That’s one of the best things I’ve seen in a long time.”

Band Camp

Band Camp 2005

Band Camp 2005

Sam – This is actually the second time TBS has aired Band Camp in the 9am time slot, however IRBW was not up and running when it first ran, much like Cool Runnings.  Hopefully this is not a trend.  I hate throwing the “I’d Rather Be Working” term around, but we didn’t actually force ourselves to watch it again so I guess it applies here.  I’m very amazed though that this property was strong enough to not only feature two sequels, but a spin-off movie on top of that.  I just wonder if the idea for Band Camp was there right after the first movie or if it was brought up after the second or third.  I’d like to think that this movie was actually the goal and the other ones were just the vehicle to get Band Camp to the people.  I can’t watch anything American Pie without instantly thinking of Alyson Hannigan giving that famous and wildly annoying line.  PS – she is cute and not in this.

Tim – Goddamn it, TBS. I fee like I don’t ask much of you, but, I think it’s fair for me to ask that you spare us DIRECT-TO-VIDEO movies. I especially feel it is relevant in this case when we have a spin-off American Pie movie, featuring a character who is apparently Stifler’s brother. And it is maybe the worst thing ever.

Josh – I can’t decide which is worse punishment; having to act like you’re supposed to be like Seann Williams Scott as Stifler to play his little brother in the movie, OR if you’re supposed to be another character acting like Seann Williams Scott actually as the character, Stifler.

Sean Dove (Special Guest Reviewer!) – Ok I’ll admit it, I’ve watched this film a few times. Nothing is good about this movie, but if it’s on I can’t seem to find a good reason to turn it off. Maybe it’s Arielle Kebbel, she is so damn cute it’s hard to turn away. Or making robots to spy on unsuspecting naked band girls. Whatever it is, it’s made me watch this movie 4 or 5 times.

Looking up the director I’m happy to find out he has also made a sequel to Road Trip, Road Trip II: Beer Pong. I suspect I’ll be watching this one a couple times also… someone stop me.

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Oh shit, Sean’s coming up – hide all the cookies!”

Published in: on May 18, 2009 at 4:32 pm  Comments Off on Band Camp  
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National Security

National Security 2003

National Security 2003

Sam – I’ll watch Martin Lawrence paired with any white guy in any premise.  I’m going to pair him with Matthew Lillard in an oddball comedy about two janitors that are eventually the heroes that save the entire school from a school shooting massacre, and force Tim to watch the movie on repeat for a whole week with no poptarts to comfort him.  I just hope for Martin Lawrence’s sake that he never gets caught at prom by Steve Zhan, Vincent Regan, Luke Wilson, Tim Robbins or Will Smith (he’s “white” enough, right?) while flirting with another “buddy” at the punch bowl.

I’ll give my vhs copy of Nothing to Lose to whoever comes up with the best name for my Martin Lawrence/Matthew Lillard janitor buddy movie.

Tim –Steve Zahn has one of the oddest careers in Hollywood, occasionally starring in well reviewed indy films, while having rashes of success with made for TBS formulaic comedies. Martin Lawrence ‘s career is odd in that he must always be paired with an awkward, uptight white man in films by court order. It has something to do with a restraining order by the woman that played Gina in Martin’s long lived sitcom. Anyway, not a terrible movie, but definitely more memorable for its action scenes than its humor. You have to respect a shoot out in a beverage bottling company. You. Have. To.

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Mary says that you cheated on your review yesterday.”

– “No you tell her that Hollywood cheated.”

Bad News Bears

Bad News Bears 2005

Bad News Bears 2005

Sam – This apparently was a remake of a 1950’s Disney snuff film by the same name.  There’s no way this could have captured the innocence of the original but it was a good try by casting everyone’s favorite daredevil, Billy Bob the Amazing.   I hate this movie and I hate the fact that Billy Bob’s character made that paraplegic kid get out of his wheelchair and “run” the bases when he got that grandslam.  It was believable though just because the first time I ever got a grandslam my ugly, perverted coach made me get out of my wheelchair just so he could watch my sweet, un-toned ass run around the bases jigglin’ like a couple retarded turtles trapped in a wet pillowcase.  Sorry, ladies: I’m married.

Tim – I am not the target demographic for this film. I do not like Sports Underdog films. I don’t like wacky athletes. I don’t like the one fat kid who proves his worth by being able to eat 100 Little Debbie cakes in the showdown with the German steroid enhanced woman…  I don’t like inspirational, last second speeches by the loser coach when he realizes what sports are REALLY about after his tryst with the steroid abusing German woman…  And most of all, I do NOT LIKE slow claps. In the entire history of the universe, no one has ever done a NON-IRONIC slow clap. Slow claps have only ever been used when someone’s drunk buddy tried to hurdle over a mail box.  So, yeah… Bad News Bear… great movie… <ironic slow clap>

Josh – N/A (But I know that he did say he actually LIKED this movie but couldn’t understand how they could show half of the stuff the movie actually featured…)

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Sam, stop running around and get those turtles out of your pants.”

Published in: on May 12, 2009 at 5:39 pm  Comments Off on Bad News Bears  
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Without A Paddle

Without A Paddle 2004

Without A Paddle 2004

Sam – I’ve seen this enough through other TBS airings that it didn’t matter that I wasn’t in the office to see this on this particular day.  I don’t HATE this movie, but I’m definitely not a fan.  I am however a fan of Dax Shepard for some reason.  I really liked him in Idiocracy and Baby Mama.  The one thing that really bugs me about this movie is when the three main characters find their most prized trinkets that they left behind and it just so happens that Seth Green’s character left a C3PO figure.  It was well known even before the days of Robot Chicken that Seth is a fan of lil’ plastic things and it was obvious to me when this scene happened that he definitely had some input as to what his character’s most prized possession would be.  I think it’s just jealously that Seth Green has had a successful venture because of his love of toys and I just have a massive debt, boxes upon boxes in storage of crap I can’t display and a wife that goes retarded when she runs into him at San Diego Comic Con.  Hey Seth, do you have a clear Wraith variant?  I’m still missing that one.

Tim –With Scream airing only a few days before, I had already met my Matthew Lillard quota for May. But, I watched this anyway, without the Sam Wells/Jimminy Cricket over my shoulder telling me it was my duty to the blog to view Without a Paddle. The whole time I was was half watching it, I couldn’t get out of my head what the pitch meeting for this film must have been.  Won’t you join me in my brain for a minute?

SCENE 1: Screenwriter walks to executives office. Executive is intersted because he knows “dude comedies” make all kinds of money. Screenwriter, sweating, says “Okay…listen to this:  It’s PORKIES..” Executives ears perk up, evil grin passing over greasy face.  Back to screewriter. “Meets DELIVERANCE.”

Josh – N/A

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Where’s Sam?”

Published in: on May 11, 2009 at 11:38 am  Comments Off on Without A Paddle  
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The Mask

The Mask 1994

The Mask 1994

Sam – Apparently there was a contest that ran in an issue of Nintendo Power where the winner would get a walk on role in the sequel that was planned; The Mask II.  That movie was canceled and luckily years later we got Son of the Mask.  Thus connecting yesterday’s movie and today’s via Jamie Kennedy.  Jim Carrey is always fun to watch so I have nothing really bad to say about this movie.  Though I’ve only ever seen it on TV, so I’ve never got to see the infamous prison rape scene, which I bet was just as hilarious as anything else Carrey has done.  Guess I’ll have to buy a PS3 and then a copy of this movie on blue-ray just to see that scene.  I’ll probably buy E.T. on blue-ray too.  We’re finally getting rid of our VHS tapes after realizing that we hadn’t had our VCR hooked up in over two years.  I’m not giving Chopper up until its out on blue-ray cause there’s an off chance I’ll need to watch that all of a sudden.  Blue-ray.

Tim – I formed an opinion about this movie all those years ago when I saw it in the theater on a date as a teenager. That opinion held today: A totally fun, visually creative movie which didn’t make me laugh at all, but gave me plenty of fap-material in the form of Cameron Diaz. The only major differences was that my first viewing of the film was interrupted by making out and teenage pawing, while today’s viewing was interrupted by commercials for Yaz’s PMDD (Leave them alone, FDA! We get it! They fucked up with their unclear ads! )  and Tyler Perry telling me how funny he is.   Hm. I need a time machine.

Josh – N/A (Drove to Cincy with the wind in his hair and song in his heart.)

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “I wonder how many times I can say “blue-ray” in my review today.”

Published in: on May 8, 2009 at 11:13 am  Comments Off on The Mask  
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