THE END IS NIGH!

Well ladies and gentlemen… it looks like things beyond our powers have put a definite halt to the blog as TBS has stopped their 9am morning movies.  I don’t doubt that the site will be back in some fashion, but for now we really don’t fell like reviewing episodes of Home Improvement, Married With Children or Saved by the Bell.

So for now (or until I get a couple more of the British Candy Bar reviews up), farewell.

when i wake up in the morning and my alarm gives out a warning i don't think i'll ever make it on time...

American Pie 2 (repeat): Sean Dove vs. British Candy Bars pt. 3: Milkybar

Another repeat on TBS’s part means another grand review of a British Candy Bar by Sean Dove.  This time he tackles a Milkybar and lives to tell the tale!  I’m proud of him for going head first into something called “Milkybar”.  Bravo!

Milkybar

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Not Another Teen Movie

Not Another Teen Movie (2001)

Sam –  I first saw this movie with my sister-in-law on DVD, for what reason we decided this was a good one to watch is beyond me.  But I’m glad we did!!  These fucking spoof movies are probably going to be humanity’s undoing… yet I found this one to be a clever romp with laughs and surprises for everyone (ages 17 and over) to enjoy.  This movie was the first time I saw someone call out teen movies for the “yes it was a dare/joke/favor when I started dating you, but I didn’t even take the (fill in reward here) because I, love, you.” line that somehow always makes things better.

It also has Randy Quaid affectionately calling his daughter “pumpkin tits” or something along those lines.

Tim – Okay… so I barely remember this flick. It seems I watched it while drunk or sick… maybe stoned. I don’t know. But Chris Evans is funny, and I kind of have a man-crush on him a tad. And any movie that makes fun of the “Hollywood Ugly” trope, where an ungodly hot girl is nerdy, has my affection.

Sean Dove (Special Guest Reviewer!) – So Sam asked me to do another review for some movie called “Not Another Teen Movie”. I had never seen or ever heard of this movie (wink). It seems silly to try and write a review for this movie that I’ve never seen (Chough! Chough!). But lets say I have seen it, and I didn’t think it was bad, and I might have laughed at a lot of stuff I feel bad for laughing at.

“Not Another Teen Movie” takes it’s main plot from another teen favorite “She’s All That”, which takes its plot from another teen favorite “My Fair Lady”, which takes its plot from yet another teen favorite ‘Pygmalion”. Popular Jock makes a bet with his friends that he can take an “ugly girl” Janey Briggs and turn her in to the class prom queen. Janey Briggs is played by Chyler Leigh, I watched 2 episodes of the dreadfully bad “That ’80s Show” partly because “Not Another Teen Movie” star Chyler Leigh was in it. Hello cute!

Anyway yeah a bunch of stuff from other “teen” movies happen and somehow again I laughed a bunch.

Ok so for my review I’ll take a note from “Not Another Teen Movie” and use a bunch of reviews online for my own review:

“Not Another Teen Movie” is a big, fat, juicy spitball lobbed, with mostly dead-on aim, at the teen-smarm clichés that have accumulated like so much earwax over the last three years. It’s stupid, it’s obvious, it’s scatological and violent — but it made me laugh and I’m giving it thumbs up, God help me. It’s clever satire that’s layered like a breakfast club sandwich with sly in-jokes, sight gags, gross-out scenes, and, of course, requisite bathroom humor. But more often than not you’ll be groaning from painful recognition rather than actually laughing. The makers of “Not Another Teen Movie” should be embarrassed that, in parodying “She’s All That”, they copied most of the plot and then made a movie that bogs down in the same places as the original. “Not Another Teen Movie” Plumbs new depths of offensiveness for its stomach-churning crudities, it’s a little like watching Christina Aguilera make fun of Britney Spears.

OH also when looking up “Not Another Teen Movie” I learned in production it was called the much better title “Ten Things I Hate About Clueless Road Trips When I Can’t Hardly Wait to Be Kissed”. AWESOME!

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Oh no! This new place has SPIDERS!!”

The Fighting Temptations

The Fighting Temptations (2003)

Sam – Aaaaaand we’re back!  Okay, not really.  But there wasn’t a repeat today so we’re posting the actual movie along with “reviews”.  So The Fighting Temptations… sure.  Starring Beyonce and one of the stars of IRBW’s current “Worst” movie.  I’ve seen bits of this on TBS before and I’m glad that I didn’t have to again.

On a side note, I went to Atlanta this past weekend for Liz’s group OneTwoThree‘s show there at a comedy festival.  And while there I got to meet a bunch of really great people that are related to Rob from OneTwoThree, one of which was his brother-in-law, Bill.  Interestingly enough, Bill actually works for TBS there in Atlanta and had some pretty interesting stories about the back end of the station.  Now if I can only persuade him to put in a word with the 9am movie people to play my pick for “We guess what’s next“…

Tim – Dodged a bullet.

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Where’s our TV?!”

British Candy Bar Review part 3: Lion on Vimeo

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Blue Streak (threepeat) Sean Dove vs. British Candy Bars pt. 2: Lion

So again, we had a repeat for Tuesday of Blue Streak so we’re continuing with our reviews of British candy bars by Sean Dove. Today we have the wonderful candy bar; Lion. Let’s see what our choco-expert has to say about this guy.

Sean tears through this one like a...

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Zathura (repeat): Sean Dove vs. British Candy Bars pt. 1: Yorkie (blue)

We’re going to do something extra special on days that we have repeats.  A couple months ago I stumbled upon the British candy bar section of my local grocer and I thought it’d be good to get a video of my friend (and candy bar connoisseur) Sean giving his review of each one.  So instead of a repeat review or no review of Zathura, today you get Sean Dove vs. British Candy Bars pt. 1: Yorkie (blue).  Enjoy!

Pt. 1: Yorkie Blue

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Just Friends (repeat with new reviewers!)

Just Friends (2005)

Josh Fritz (Special Guest Reviewer!) – I can see why Scarlett Johansson married Ryan Reynolds. I was all set to hate on him in this movie, but he totally won me over.

I think the best place to start when talking about this movie is the 1976 film “Carrie,” starring Sissy Spacek. For those of you who have not seen it, here comes a spoiler. “Carrie” tells the story of a very shy, isolated teenage girl with telekinetic powers, Carrie, played by Sissy Spacek. She is ostracized at school, largely due to the effect her fanatically religious mother has had on her.

So the girls at school don’t like Carrie to begin with. They’re super mean to her at the beginning of the movie, and because of it, they all get detention. One of the girls who was mean to her feels really bad about it, so she gets her extra hunky boyfriend to take her to the prom. She genuinely wants Carrie to have a good time. But the meanest of the girls don’t feel that way. Knowing she’s going to prom with the super hunky guy, they decide to completely humiliate her in front of the entire school. They make sure she and her date are named prom king and queen, and as she’s up on the stage being crowned, they dump pig blood on her.

Carrie reacts by using telekinesis to trap everyone in the building, and then she burns it down. Following that, she goes home where her mother attempts to kill her, now that she has found out about her telekinetic powers. In self defense, Carrie kills her mother, then feels really bad about it, and brings the house down in flames on top of them both.

So, what does Carrie have to do with “Just Friends?” Well, “Just Friends” is what the sequel to Carrie should have been, if only Carrie had made a better decision after getting blood dumped on her at the prom. In “Just Friends,” the overweight Chris (Ryan Reynolds) is humiliated in front of his graduating class as a football jock reads a note confessing his love for his best friend. Chris’s response is to sheepishly leave the party, graduate high school, go to the gym, attend college, and then become an extremely successful entertainment agent in Los Angeles.

Carrie should have left the prom, gone home, made up with her crazy mom, and then embarked on the road that would have made her the hottest, most successful Carrie she could be. And just like in the end of “Just Friends,” 10 years later she would have totally bagged her high school crush, the guy from “The Greatest American Hero.” In fact, in my mind, she did, because the whole time I was watching “Just Friends” I was imagining Carrie in the role of Chris.

Overall, an utterly enjoyable film. It had Ryan Reynolds being funny, and wearing a fat suit, although it did look like he had eyeliner on a lot of the time. And the girl from “Road Trip” was cute in it too.

Courtney McCormick – What’s up Class of ’95?!!!
Just Friends.  I had not seen this before.  Josh (B.) has mentioned it lots because we graduated in ’95 and he’s a fool for reunions so I was excited to finally view this film.

So, Ryan Reynolds.  He’s now super delish and this was clearly a step along his transformation to Optimum Sexy Pants.  I recently watched Adventureland and noticed in both movies that he looks like a giant compared to his costars.  Did a little research and he’s 6′-2″.  That’s not enormous.  The rest of Hollywood must be miniature.

This movie also featured the cute kid from Fanboy.  I like him.  I like that movie.

But what can I say about this movie… it’s a Christmas movie.  That’s fun.  And based in New Jersey.  Everyone likes Jersey!

Question: why the internal monologue 3/4 way thru movie?  Seemed out of place.

In closing, my favorite line of the movie goes to Anna Farris’s character with  “God I wanna lick your skin off.”

Big thanks to Sam for letting me sit in as guest reviewer.  It’s been an honor.  And now, I’d rather be working which in my case is figuring out why the boy skipped school today.  Cheers!

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “I’m not going to post your review today because I don’t fucking feel like it!”

Sister Act (repeat with new reviewers!)

Sister Act (1992)

Kevin Sciretta (Special Guest Reviewer!) –  Right, so, Sister Act. I’ve never seen it. Not all the way through. I’ve caught bits and pieces of it on the Basic Cable, and here’s what I’m to understand occurs. Whoopi Goldberg is a singer for the mob. Harvey Keitel kills a guy, Whoopi sees it, so the FBI hides her in a convent run by Maggie Smith, who is very, very, British. Pretty standard procedure when dealing with a witness in a federal murder case. Right there in the FBI Handbook.

The nuns hide Whoopi with their Catholic voodoo spells, but the voodoo stops working when Whoopi jazzes up their choir with her patented brand of sassy wisdom, which will now forever be known as “sassdom”. They get good at singing, and Maggie Smith tries to stop this because anything that makes people enjoy themselves is antithetical to what it means to be a Roman Catholic. The Pope shows up with mobsters, they kidnap Whoopi and take her back to Reno and the nuns save Whoopi from being killed. Not the FBI, mind you, but nuns. Makes sense if you went to Catholic school. Those broads are tough. Anyway, they go on to sing for the Pope, who is so pleased with the performance he names Whoopi head coach of the New York Knicks.

Pretty sure that’s what happens.

If there’s anything to be learned from seeing 15 minutes of this film at random intervals, it’s that the Roman Catholic Church has the worst music of all the major religions. They had one hit with “Amazing Grace”, and everyone knows Baptists sing it better anyway.

When baptised by the Church (That’s right. Capital C Church.), Catholics are not only absolved of Original Sin, but also of the diabolical bane known as Sense of Rhythm. This leads to the production of slow, plodding hymns with the melodic subtlety of very deliberate hammer beating, which nicely compliments the 45-minute homily Father O’Brien just delivered on why you’ll be raped by demons for not bringing enough Dinty Moore to the fucking canned goods drive. This is why Catholics are so angry after Mass. They just sat through a two-hour service, half of which is spent kneeling, being told they’re going to Hell while listening to hymns that sound like dirt being slowly shoveled onto the lid of a coffin.

I’m just saying, there’s a reason no one’s ever been called “The Catholic Sam Cooke.”

If the modern Church had any sense, it would hire someone like Whoopi to go from parish to parish and install some actual god-damn entertainment. Put some butts in seats. Sing some songs people enjoy. Get the Wave going. Install a popcorn machine. Shake it up a little. Sister Act that sumabitch.

I hope this was helpful.

Dan Radke (Special Guest Reviewer!) –  I hadn’t seen Sister Act since it came out, and I’ve proudly stated that fact on more than one occasion. But then Sam asked me to review it.

My first thought was- there’s no way I’m watching it.

I know! I’ll review what I remember about it. It’ll be great.

Then I saw Liz had done just that for Son-In-Law a couple days ago.

Then I thought, hey, I’ll make up some zany plot and pretend its Sister Act! Pure gold!

Then I saw Brian Crowley pulled the same shit with the same Pauly Shore abortion (Actually Son-In-Law rocks).

So what did that mean for me? I’ve got to actually watch Sister Act?

Well, fuck that. I’m not watching that bullshit.

And I know it’s really easy to make fun of Whoopi Goldberg. I’ve done it. It’s really easy. But have you seen this movie?

I’m not watching this. Do you hear me, Sam? Can you fucking hear me?

I think it’s all pretty obvious. If you’re over 40 and you love our lord and savior and tip-toeing a few inches into the lands of indecency, you’ll love this movie. It’ll be a good, wholesome hoot.

If you have an unhealthy obsession with those formulaic, cheap comedies from the late 80’s and early 90’s, you will love this movie.

But hear this. Those are the ONLY two instances in which you will like this film.

And if you do fall into either of these categories, I will pray for you.

I will pray for your soul.

I’m not fucking watching this movie.

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Holy crap, what happened here? Did you guys move while drunk?!”

Code Name: The Cleaner

Code Name: The Cleaner (2007)

Sean Dove (Special Guest Reviewer!) – When Sam instant messaged me this morning asking me to do today’s review for “Code Name: The Cleaner” my first thought was YES Lucy Liu. My second thought was oh no Lucy Liu. I’m not sure how but she only gets cast in really shitty movies. But I still hold an affection for her in good and bad.

So ok “Code Name: The Cleaner” is the story of Jake played by Cedric the Entertainer he wakes up in a hotel with a suitcase filed with money and a dead FBI agent. You would think that’s an awesome party he had last night, but no he has “amnesia”.

Before we get too far I want to say one thing, I think it’s pretty great that Cedric comes from a family who’s last name is Entertainer. It’s even better that his parents had the guts to make his middle name “The”.

Ok back to the movie, Mr. Entertainer runs in to a girl outside the hotel that says shes his wife, YES! Mr. Entertainer is married to Lucy Liu. Anyway bla bla bla Mr. Entertainer thinks he was a spy or something and there is a video game company and lots of people show up that have no idea what’s going on. Also Mark Dacascos is in it and for some reason they don’t let him really do any martial arts.

I think this is the first Cedric film I’ve seen. All I know is now I really want a film staring Cedric the Entertainer and Kevin James of King of Queens fame. It’s a film about two guys that find out they are brothers. But wait one is white the other is black but they are both super silly and fall down a lot. Now that is comedy.

Oh yeah also “Code Name: The Cleaner” is filled with great one liners like.
“I’m some sorta black Rambo”
“Ok Blambo, lets go!”

To be honest at one point I changed the channel and forgot to turn it back. By the time I did they where showing funny bloopers in the credits.

I give this movie (or what I saw of it) 3 Kevin James out of 5

Daniel Strabley (Special Guest Reviewer!) – Ohhh where to start, where to start… ok, well I guess it begins when Jake Rogers (aka – Cedric the Entertainer) wakes up in bed with a dead FBI agent, a briefcase full of money and, are ready for this… amnesia…

Waking up snuggling with a dead guy in a hotel room with a case of money starts to sound like one of those, “it’s not gay if we both take the roofie” nights but – it’s not. I guess he just doesn’t know what is going on and after what can only be some comedic confusion  he sprints out of the hotel only to run into his upper-class cougar of a wife, which  if you can believe he does not know but decides to play along anyways.

They, Mr. & Mrs. Entertainer, go back to their house which is an elaborate mansion where they consult a doctor about his memory loss to which the doctor mentions some kind of sexual therapy to help him remember what happened –  I’m just as lost as you are – when Cedric overhears this, he flips out and takes off running. Oh! I guess he is also having flashbacks that he is some kind of CIA agent.  Anyways… he goes back to the hotel because returning to the scene of a crime where you quite possible killed a man in your sleep is the smartest idea in the world.

Ummm.. at the hotel he meets Lucy Lu who says she’s his girlfriend… (score)… and she tells him he is a janitor and inserts the only quotable jokes of the movie – she said he’s not “Special Op’s” but “Special Mops” and “Broooom Raider!” which makes no goddamn sense but the good people on YouTube seem to find it hysterical.

After that sonic boom of hilarity Cedric is trying to tell Lucy Lu that he is a special agent. She calls him fat or something then actual agents show up and then Lucy Lu says she’s the special agent all along and Cedric is all like “nu uh” and she was all like “uh huh!” and then there was a big car scene where some shit exploded… then for some reason he is dresses as a Dutchman and then there is a scene where he dances a little bit.

I’m not sure how this movie ended but in the trailer I watched, there were some girls in a hot tub and a car crash so by my best estimate, Cedric the Entertainer is dead… and probably died in some hot tub-car related accident… And he sees dead people.

Thhheee endddd.

Things said during movie (not-review):

– “Moving is easier when you’re drunk!”